What have you done for me lately?
Back in the day, I would dance to this song without much care. I mean the song has a nice vibe and a ring to it. Plus, it is Janet Jackson on mic. What more is there to ask for!! As I grew older though, it became a line at the back of my mind that I’d ask when thinking about a relationship and of course, Janet speaks to the dude, ‘cause I mean she just gotta be speaking to a dude! Anyway, I too, when I’d have the mind to ask, I would ask myself whenever someone would be around trying to ask me out or if indeed, I got into a relationship, what have you done for me lately? Those days, doing something meant a call on the landline, or a letter and if one was really determined, it would be a meet at 20th century or Kenya cinema for a movie and then walkabout in town after. Like most people, if the guy was not doing anything, then the silent rule called for you, the girl to ignore him until he does something grand or until the whole story is just a dead dodo. I suppose this is what ghosting is these days but nonetheless, a passive aggressive form of communication that never got much resolved.
Coming back to Janet’s song, the question can go either way, man or woman and quite honestly now that I am somewhat grown up, it is applicable to pretty much any relationship, because all of them do call for some give and take and a lot of doing.
Many years gone by marriage, kids and family, JJ came calling once again and this time the heart knew not to wait for much to be done. The give and take was done, maybe not in the best ways that the other person needed. Like all good things though, the end was nigh, and the inevitable pain was all could be done to avoid even more pain. Amazingly though, this doing felt right and yet when it settled, the pain was sheer brutality especially from the kids’ eyes. Oh boy! JJ could not do it for my ripped apart heart and I had to settle for God will work it out and Survivor. The biology we learnt many years ago came back to me, as my body went through shock, freeze, flight and then I had to fight. The weight melted away and the woolly brain could only muster a set routine around the kids and home chores. I learnt that the quickest form to torture a person is deny them sleep. Night after night, sleep failed and every day, I knew, I came closer to losing my mind. I cried. I was tired. I was frustrated. Broken. Confused. Deeply hurt and disillusioned. The hardest part, was the innocent faces who were all looking to me to hold them through this period. But I had nothing to give. One day a friend called and the instructions were as simple as, hold yourself together, only for the while that the little ones are looking to you. Show them this is not the end and they will believe. I thought, really? All I asked God for was a quiet mind, so that I can sleep and I will be okay.
I got on to living breath after breath, moment to moment, to a day at time until time passed and the healing came. When you are blessed with love around you through family, friends and even strangers, know that God and the universe are indeed looking out for you and all will be well. As time went by, the focus shifted from the Was-band to the kids and more so, to me. In every situation, a time comes when an internal assessment has to be done for accountability and eventual growth. Because at the end of the day, whether it was done to you unfairly, there is a part the self has to accept, that you were there. Even if it means forgiving yourself for staying a little too long when your gut had showed you otherwise. (Please understand, that this is not to mean that you were at fault and deserving of any form of abuse or mistreatment). The point here is, that we are human and to be human is to err. (This will mostly apply in consenting adult relationships)
This self-focus is a big one, so much so, that I believe if you get there, nothing can stop you. You are a powerhouse. It means that you will get to that point where you harbour no bitterness and regrets. That the experience came and went, albeit painful, it left very important lessons. This place is neverland, from how I see it because you see the big beautiful picture of you and if there are kids, you and them, happy and living life abundantly. Good things can come out of terrible circumstances, if only one is willing to let go and face the two feet forward. Otherwise too much time and energy can be lost in bitterness and this is truly a dead weight on your legs and quite honestly, on yourself and your very precious life. It is true, grief takes a very long time and it is different for everyone. There is no guarantee that one day the grief will not come back. It will. But when you have chosen to free yourself and march forward, it will come and sit a little while and go by. When you have grown and are letting go, you will know not to fight it or deeply embed yourself in it. You will just know. Your heart, your body and mind will know. Even if knowing is crying with a friend or alone in the shower. You will know just what you need to free yourself. No judgment, just self-compassion. Self-love. Bottomless self-love. Unconditional positive regard. You know, all those nice things that you usually save for your bestie, show them to yourself.
Terrible things happen to the best of us and life is not fair. The justice that sometimes we so wish we could have for those who hurt us might never come to pass. And life is happening, and is it does, choose to live in it freely and lightly. Free of the hurt and as an evolving growing person, because growth is truly a choice that you can make today. And guess what Janet is coming around again…. what have you done for me lately…oooh ooh yeah! Chunking out some of her lyrics..
Used to go to dinner almost every night
Danced until I thought I’d lose my breath, ah
Now it seems your dancin’ feet are always on my couch
Good thing I cook or else we’d starve to death
Ain’t that a shame?
How about taking your freed self for dinner every once in a while? And dance like it is your last dance ever?
I never ask for more than I deserve
You know it’s the truth
You seem to think you’re God’s gift to this Earth
I’m tellin’ you, no way
Ask, because you are God’s gift. Beautifully and wonderfully made and I suppose it is about that time to ask yourself, what have you done for you lately?
Moving forward from hurt will open doors for you to love yourself better and in many ways free you of un necessary baggage and just maybe poison.
Here’s to you! Free and powerful you!
Amandla!
~Anonymous
