“Merry Christmas”

Words constantly shoved in my face. Accompanied by hugs, smiles, warm embraces.

“Happy Christmas”

I reciprocate the hugs, smiles, warm embraces. Perhaps a bit too forcefully.

“Joyous Christmas”

The world seems to be getting smaller, tighter, more congested by the minute. “Breathe, just breathe” I whisper to myself desperately. “10,9,8,7…”

“is it not a happy day?”

I smile back in response. “6,5,4…”

“Come, come! Say hello to me. What a wonderful day! Merry Christmas!”

Just a few more hours and all this will be over. I reassure myself. Just a few more hours to the end of another one of those days.

Smile after smile, embrace after embrace.

“Let us dance! Come on, sing with us! Why don’t you smile more? What a great day!”

I smile, I obey.


How to make them understand the darkness and pain that have become my constant friends. How to explain that what I feel takes no holidays. Not even on Christmas Day. That for me, this is just another one of those days. A constant battle against myself, my mind, the darkness.


How can I begin to explain that happiness and peace are not my regular friends. That their occasional achievement are my reason to celebrate, my Christmas. How can I explain the pain? The tedious journey day after day. The constant struggle to just get through the day and at the end, to pat myself on the back and say “today was ok.”

“Have a goodnight! Drive home safe.”


We made it through the day. I guess today was ok.

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